


SOS

by thinkoutsidethebex



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 00:48:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23003083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinkoutsidethebex/pseuds/thinkoutsidethebex
Summary: Deadpool wakes up tied to a chair in a dark room. How did he get here? What will happen? Is it a freaky sex thing? Let’s find out!
Kudos: 11





	SOS

**Author's Note:**

> Every time I write for Deadpool I think “I’m never doing this again” but then I remember how fun he is so I go with it. This is silly and funny and dumb. Wade has two voices in his head. Italics is one, bold is the other. You’ll figure them out. I've taken a bit of a break for a while but I'm back!

“Son of a mother fucking ass bandit!”

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was a blinding headache. The second thing I noticed was I couldn’t see anything. I knew the headache couldn’t be a hangover. Super healing factor meant a super inability to get drunk. I had a vague memory of getting hit by something but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what.

_Oh, God. They hit us so hard we’ve gone blind. BLIND!_

**Calm yourself, please. We have accelerated healing. Any such blow would have resolved itself.**

_Then how do you explain the vast nothingness before us?_

**We have a bag on our head.**

_….Oh._

Suddenly, my bag was ripped away and tossed aside. The room I was in wasn’t much brighter than Bagland (trademark pending), but there was a small light in the far corner. I looked around for whoever stole my bag, but there was nobody. A metallic clicking sound was coming from somewhere behind me, but my desire to investigate and poke it with a stick was impeded when I realized I was tied to a chair.

“Great, just great,” I sighed. “This is definitely going to turn into a weird sex thing.”

**Why is that always the first place your mind goes, Wade?**

_Have you met us?_

**Point made.**

I tugged at the restraints, but they didn’t budge. I looked around again for something to cut me loose but the room was empty, except for me and whatever was making the mysterious ticking noise.

_Maybe it’s a pipe bomb!_

**Why would it be a pipe bomb?**

_It’s an old internet reference. The kids will get it._

With no tools to cut me loose, I decided to resort to an old classic: hopping. I jumped and started moving my chair towards the light. If I could make it there I might be able to find a way out. Or shatter the lightbulb and cut myself free. Either way. Before I could hop any more, a giant metal claw came out of the darkness and grabbed my head, slamming me into the ground.

“Well hello to you too, sunshine.”

“I’m glad to see that blow to the head hasn’t damaged your famous wit, Mr. Wilson.” As I laid on the floor, face smushed under Cable’s wildest fantasy, a shape emerged from the darkness. Giant metal tentacles stepped over me, carrying a short, dark-haired man.

_Please be Alfred Molina. Please be Alfred Molina._

**Hardly the time.**

“Allow me to introduce myself,” he said. “My name is Dr. Otto Octavious.” He spoke with an accent that could make panties drop, but had a face that would bring them right back up.

“Let me guess, your friends call you Doc Ock?”

_We are killing it with these references today._

**Yes, even I must, as the youths say, give props.**

_We’re gonna work on that._

The doctor removed his claw from my face and used it to right my chair again. I shook my head and got my bearings back.

“The hospitality here is next level,” I said. “Really. Better than the Marriott in Time’s Square.”

“Charming, Mr. Wilson,” Otto drawled.

“I try to be. So, mind telling me what this is all about? If you’re after a ransom I have like $4 and a couple kilos of coke. But you’re gonna have to fight a blind old lady for the coke. And she’s a biter.” A door behind me opened and I heard several people enter.

“Ah, just in time,” Otto said. Five men joined the doctor in front of me and stared me down like a Backstreet Boys album cover.

“Meet the Sinister Six,” he said, pointing out each team member as he introduced them. “Maxwell Dillon, also called Electro. Sergei Kravinoff, known as Kraven the Hunter. Quentin Beck, aka Mysterio. Flint Marko, or Sandman. And Adrian Toomes, the Vulture.” I took my time regarding the men in front of me. Each of them had perfectly themed costumes and were looking at me like they wanted to rip me in half.

“Points for the original lineup but the team the game put together was way cooler,” I said. Mysterio took the giant fishbowl off his head and turned to Otto.

“What the hell is he talking about?”

“Pay him no mind, Mr. Beck,” Otto said, waving him off.

“I loved you in Bubble Boy,” I said simply.

“Mr. Wilson,” Doc interrupted. “It’s come to our attention that you are in possession of some very valuable information. And you’re going to give it to us.”

“And what information would that be, Octopussy?”

**Wade, please do not antagonize them. Even with our accelerated healing, they could make things quite troublesome.**

_CALL HIM A PUSSY AGAIN!_

“I have it on good authority that you’ve managed to infiltrate the Avenger’s tower not once, but twice.” The doctor stalked forward on his metal legs, bringing himself down to face me. “You’re going to tell me how we can get in undetected.”

“You’ll have to take that up with the author. By the time I gain consciousness I’m usually already inside.” Sparks shot from Electro’s fingertips as he stepped forward.

“Want me to loosen his lips?” he asked.

“That won’t be necessary, Mr. Dillon,” Otto said. He clickety-clacked behind me and came back with some kind of collar.

_Here comes the weird sex stuff. I knew it._

**I highly doubt that.**

Otto moved over me and clamped a metal claw onto my thigh, shattering my femur.

“Mother fucker!” I groaned and rolled my head back, but as soon as he let go I felt my bone shifting back into place. “Is that all you’ve got? Some kidnappers you are.” The words had no sooner left my mouth when I felt the collar being fitted around my neck. The second it locked into place, my leg stopped healing. No more popping and shifting of bone, no more closing of surface wounds, nothing.

_This is bad, big dog._

**I agree, Wade. Without our healing factor we are in grave danger.**

“A power dampening collar,” Octavious said. “Courtesy of our friends at The Raft.” He leaned in close again, this time so close I could smell his lunch. It was beef stroganoff.

“Here is what’s going to happen,” he threatened. “I’m going to leave the collar on you and let my team go to work. They will break every part of you. Every bone will shatter. Every inch of you will bruise. You will feel pain unlike you’ve ever known before. They will take you to the precipice of oblivion, and you will stare Death himself in the face. And just as he reaches up his cold hand to drag you down, I will remove the collar and allow your abilities to heal you. Then we will start all over again. Unless you tell me what I want to know.”

_Holy fuck. I think I just shit our pants a little._

“Her,” I replied simply. Otto blinked and stared at me.

“What?”

“Death. She’s a her. And she’s super hot.” The doctor sighed and moved away. As he did, I wiggled my fingers into my sleeve, trying to find the little clicker I’d stashed for just such an emergency. As the doctor faded into the background, I found it and clicked it rapidly.

_Time for Plan B._

**Did we even have a Plan A?**

“You may begin,” the doctor said, and the Sinister Six descended. Kraven took the lead, throwing punch after punch across my jaw. When he was done, Electro surged a shock through me, sending me into convulsions. Sandman stepped forward and I saw his fist transform into a giant sand hammer.

“Oh Thor wishes he-UGH!” He slammed it into my side and I felt three of my ribs break. The five men took turns working me over until my eyes were too swollen to see who was hitting me.

**Hang on, Wade. They’re coming.**

_I hope they do. Even I’m having a hard time coming up with something funny._

**They will. It’s what they do.**

But boy did they take their sweet ass time.

By the time Otto took the collar off, I probably had over a dozen broken bones, several missing teeth, a mild to moderate concussion, and a raging case of terminal cancer kicking the absolute shit out of me. The second the collar came off, the air was filled with the pops and cracks of my bones realigning and starting to heal. I could feel new teeth filling the gaps in my mouth, and let me tell you, it felt really weird.

“Feel like talking, Mr. Wilson?” Otto asked.

“Well,” I started. “When I was six my dad left and I had this creepy uncle who used to babysit. I always got this really weird vibe off him.”

“I’m really gonna enjoy killing this guy,” Toomes said. From somewhere nearby, I could hear a faint whining sound.

_Methinks the cavalry approaches._

**I’d recommend ducking, Wade.**

“You guys are about to get fucked up,” I laughed. Right on cue, a giant repulsor blast knocked a hole in the wall.

“Someone order Postmates?” Tony quipped, flying into the room. Otto growled and swung a tentacle at the other Avengers who were rushing in behind him. Someone shot something very explodey next to me, and it toppled me to the ground. I landed facedown, still somehow bound to the chair.

“Oh come on. This is bull shit!”

**I wonder if this is just so the author doesn’t have to write another fight scene.**

_SHUT UP SHE’LL HEAR YOU!_

I stared helplessly at the floor as the fight went on around me. It sounded really cool. I bet it looked really cool. Sure wish I knew what was going on. After a few minutes, the sounds of fighting died down and someone was hauling me upright. Once I was finally free I turned and looked into the beautiful blue eyes of Steve Rogers.

“Well, hello gorgeous,” I said with a smirk.

“Wade?” he asked. I wasn’t sure if he was surprised to see me or just dealing with the shock of seeing my unmasked face for the first time.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” Tony screamed from across the room. “You’re the distress call?” I stood up with a stretch and waved at him.

“Hey, Tony!” From behind him, Peter popped into view and waved back.

“Hi, Mr. Wilson!”

“Hi, Angel.”

“Did he just call Peter ‘Angel’?” someone asked. Over Cap’s shoulder, I spotted the god damn Winter Soldier.

_I’m not sure who’s prettier: him or Steve._

**Objectively they’re both quite attractive.**

_I wonder if they’d be into an all-male threesome._

“Yeah, he does that,” Steve answered his best friend. “Wade, how did you get one of our SOS beacons?”

“A little kitty grabbed it for me,” I shrugged. “Cost me an arm and a nut, but Felicia’s worth every penny.” Bucky chuckled and holstered the weapon in his metal hand.

“That’s my girl,” he mumbled.

“Your girl needs to stop stealing my shit,” Tony snapped, marching over and snatching the beacon from my hand. “Give me that. Members only!” He turned and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?” Steve asked.

“Home!” Tony yelled without turning around. “Can’t believe we wasted our time on this moron…” With that, he fired up his boosters and flew away.

“One day he’ll warm up to me,” I sighed.

“I wouldn’t count on it,” Bucky said. “We haven’t met yet. I’m Bucky.” He held out a hand for me to shake and as I did, I found myself completely lost in his eyes.

_Forget the threesome. We have to marry him._

**He just said he’s in a relationship.**

_Minor inconvenience. He must be ours._

While the battle raged in my head, I realized I was still shaking his hand with both of mine. And I was staring at him. Intensely.

“I’m gonna let go of you now,” I said.

“I would be okay with that,” he replied. I dropped his hand and stepped back to examine the unconscious bodies littered around the room.

“Wow, you guys really don’t fuck around do you?”

“The distress call went off like fifty times in a row so we figured it was bad,” Peter explained. “Next time, if you just hit it once it’ll keep going off til we respond.”

“Peter, you’re a precious angel and we don’t deserve you,” I sighed. He looked down and even though I couldn’t see his face, I knew he was blushing.

“I’m glad we saved him,” Peter said. Suddenly, Tony came flying back through the hole in the wall and grabbed Peter by the arm, dragging him out.

“Bye, Mr. Wade!” he yelled as he vanished.

“What a nice kid,” I mused. Both Steve and Bucky chuckled, and the latter nodded his head toward the door. “Come on. We’ll show you the way out. Oh, and I found this.” He held out his metal arm and handed me my mask. I grabbed it and pulled it on, following the two giant super-soldiers from the room. As we walked, I kept stealing glances at the metal prosthesis on ole blue eyes.

“So, do you ever get freaky with that thing?” I asked bluntly. Bucky’s steps faltered and he turned to me wide-eyed.

“What did you just say?”

“The arm,” I said, pointing. “Do you ever do any weird sex stuff with it?” Bucky looked down at his arm and then back up at me.

“Define weird,” he said.

“I’m asking if you’ll choke me with your metal arm.” Before he could answer, Steve’s shield flew down the hall and hit me in the face.


End file.
